#BetterDays
The poison of rose-colored bespectacled nostalgia and the foolish endeavor of waiting for the sky to fall.
"Inflated expectations, tribal political alliances, blunted ambition and childlike expectations of government" reads Willie Geist from Tom Nichols’ new book, Our Own Worst Enemy.
"Even reasonably well-off people think of themselves as victims." - Tom Nichols says, in conversation with Joe Scarborough on Morning Joe.
"But if you really look at where this all begins, it begins about forty or fifty years ago…and the underlying condition for all of this is the real pandemic, which is narcissism." - Tom Nichols
Great segment. Click link. AFTER reading :)
It’s an invigorating dialogue between two former members of the Grand Old Party, a party I left Anno Domini MCMXCVI (1996).
Opinion: They highlight some fabulous points yet still are not digging deep enough as thinkers because if they were they'd state:
"By extension when we as individuals, community and a culture are actively looking outwardly at a product, organization or entity as the cause of our suffering, as not giving enough, letting us down, we are denying our own participation in this experience, this suffering, be it by the hands of tyranny, cruelty or narcissism in our formative years, as willing — if unawares — participants in this as accepted way of life but also in not taking stock of our own (non-judgement in my word choice) failings and shortcomings. Also, whatever happened to 'ask what I can do for my country!' and 'The only thing to fear is fear itself.' ??? "
I find myself slipping away further from an active participation and interest in the sense of ‘common good’ or ‘the greater welfare.’ I do not believe this is a function of aging but rather a product of a long, glacial decline in civility, in community and for me a propensity to slip into an ambivalence that is, ultimately, self-annihilating at worst and at most self-defeating.
The Joe and Tom conversation doesn’t delve into what I have come to believe, based on my experience as consumer, marketer and salesperson, are inherent failings —not flaws but systemic failings — of capitalism as we know it, as it has been preached, idolized, coveted, revered and thoroughly ingrained. The idolatry of money to name but one glaring and constant foil of mine, is the comfort of money as an elixer to help me feel ‘ok.’ The predatory nature of our current model of success is a cycle of looking forward to the next thirst quenched, the reality a let down, far different —inevitable — from the fantasized experience and, in turn, a looking back at a ‘simpler, easier’ time all ramping up a constant dissatisfied restlessness. All of it serves to keep us collectively caught up in the promise we’ll be ok once we ‘arrive,’ get ‘there’ (rich), while leaving each failed attempt frustrated, in want of more, cycling a range of reactions from stubborn will to deflated to defeated resentments, even and especially as Nichols posits, those who are on the side of “OK” in the great class divide. These, of course, are my observations and in some respects generalizations that leave me personally disillusioned yet it appears so for many caught up in this same futile sojourn through a search for happiness. Perhaps it’s the same for you or you are lucky and have achieved balance and methods to foster bliss.
I know. This is a lot to fit into a morning drive, pre-work/school conversation and I have yet to read Nichols book which no doubt conducts a forensic study beyond talking points allotted a short segment on commercial airwaves. Corporate media programming has its limits in terms of time and in its service to advertiser traffic-to-ratings ratios.
The part that has driven me bonkers over the course of the Pandemic is the homage, fascination and vilification all focused on the ‘billionaire class,’ brought more into vogue during an era where we choose to define who can save us by how well they act in television roles as savvy, successful and wealthy, all idealized as not merely our salvation, not only as something better than what I am but even how to define my worth as a human being, something that has been a staple of my own kin’s definition of being a man, a person who does right by the chances as immigrants we were provided in the ceiling-free American Dream and frankly, my dear, I am sick of it. I just don’t give a damn about anyone unless they are a nice person and that is that.
Look. Here’s the deal. The billionaire class is revered on a global level and this alone is enough to usher in the end of our republic and the lofty aspirations of life, liberty and happiness through the almighty American dollar. The post-digital era and the obsession with striking it rich already led to a second ‘gold rush’ at the end of the last century with California once again — and it’s a separate topic — the land of forever promise, the rainbow’s end down that highway, leading us on a path towards societal collapse. This preposterous and toxic notion of accruing wealth, along with the inherent hoarding and manipulation of information, is the root of climate catastrophe, class stigmatization, unfair tax codes, unjust judicial rulings, the bloodletting of tyranny and unconscionable labor practices across the planet to name the first few I can spitball. Matters for another post no doubt. Rest assured, good reader, winter is coming to these pages :)
Most harmful is the concept of a billionaire who is ‘on the right side of democracy,’ a ‘good’ billionaire who stands with the people. A 'good' billionaire does not exist. Warren Buffet, affable and likeable, straight shooter, he of the ever-ubiquitous Internet meme (even if a quote ascribed to him may not actually have been uttered by him), is so utterly marketable as a capitalism influencer, as an agent of positive pursuit into the sphere of billionaires as a life quest. This is a mythic tragedy more apt to enter us into The Phantom Zone. Yet even Warren of Omaha is a predator and part of the problem, having stacked his deck by ‘taking advantage of’ aka abusing the system. I suspect Warren of Oklahoma might agree. In the very fantasy of pursuing wealth as an end-game, we are all collectively, if unconsciously and without full apprehension, creating an immediate chasm between the fading illusion of ‘making it’ and the ever-weightier tasks of mere survival, carving out some sense of basic security that provides shelter, food and hope for everyone and, above all, being content. In promoting wealth, romanticizing others’ delusions of having been self-made and ignoring the dark underbelly of these narratives, we all participate in a more subtle, insidious narcissism. We think we can and should and are entitled to ‘have it all.’
We don't ask 'How much is enough?' but instead grow thirsty with or forced to react in some way to the avarice of coveting what others possess in natural or acquired assets and stung by the fear of deficits, that what we have will be taken away or will one day run out. I know these ring true for me and I do not presume to speak for you but rather articulate, like being president is hard work, so, too is challenging assumptions and temptation, exploring my ego’s innate triggers rather than merely over-compensate or react, that my emotional tethers to money-as-love in my upbringing are a fog through which I try to navigate a sense of purpose to my middling existence, as well as derive meaning, all the while not stopping to ask “Am I pursuing my greatest interests?” or “Do I utilize my best assets?”
Historically, I never have aimed high towards a goal because I see too little return on such a pursuit in terms of risk-to-reward and, more importantly, being at peace with me. I’ve worked hard but not ever sorted out how to work efficiently, intelligently. I also, full disclosure, have never existed on a foundation firmly embedded in self-esteem, belief in self nor even in my worth, my value, in what skin I have in the game, any game, be it a job, a family, a relationship or an organization.
What’s the point? Hooks and lines. Why fish when someone else will come along with a net and take in a bigger haul? That’s one aspect. Competition and the tenacity you need to remain relevant, solvent — also tied to ego, a productive use of narcissism. Plus, why bother with all that risk of low ROI when it’s easier, better to go buy fish at the market? Set aside the reality of supporting the economy and run with the metaphor. Forget about the structural flaws in creating dependency (store bought items, a disconnect to how that fish came to us) or in unhealthy, quick fixes (drive-throughs and frozen food pre-packaged items) and never mind the health concerns of the latter two examples. To learn how to fish, to learn how to grow crops, to learn how to build a reasonably-sized home, to stock up on ‘enough’ rather than hoard, to set little goals and treats/rewards rather than constantly satisfy instant urges, how to avoid seeking ‘more,’ training our bodies and minds to eat until appetite is sated instead of needing to 'feel full' —all of these seem impossible in this capitalism-consumerism paradigm.
It’s as much a challenge with the strain of supply and demand driving up costs, the value of yesteryear’s dollar made to be equivalent with that of today, the seduction stock tickers and flashy, pretty, well-heeled talking heads present in breaking down investment market buzz and the promise of a richer tomorrow right up ahead, to keep our sanity from the impossible dream of adding more zeroes after the comma to our bank accounts and investment schemes. To feel secure as though I can make it work is a pipe dream. All these obstacles are mitigation to contentment even as they are a reality check when juxaposed against the many who suffer in our own nation’s embarrassment of riches, suffer from poverty and famine and the harbinger drummed up by the woeful media gods for most of us too glued to the doom scroll that “This financial reaper is coming for you,” a narrative driven by profit-hungry conglomerates — people, after all, not corporations - that those who would take and redistribute your wealth are coming for you, all the while the actual culprits are growing theirs exponentially in this Pandemic alone.
These are all troubling realities of a society, a country and a world seemingly unraveling and at war with itself, an endemic that incites a misery index. I have been suffering this summer from the noteably higher heat index but my hate index has been off the charts for many years, anguish and anxiety fueling resentment, rage and discontentment. I am questioning if ‘discontentment’ is a verifiable word but I just made it one if it is not. Fuck it.
I began by penning this piece in third person and realized not merely was I talking at you (from inside my glass hermitage) but also distancing myself (in this inspired-by-Tom-and-Joe exercise) from my own participation in these very same habits, practices and, in turn, distancing myself from my own shame and suffering, all the while experiencing ever-so-subtle somatic reactions accompanied by the potent inner commentator: “Come on! This is bullshit;” “You have nothing to say that is of merit;” and “Why don’t you get a job?” all like background data mining from those apps on our ADDevices we love so much, running silent, running deep.
These are all my own fraught experiences, rife with fears and distractions instead of the much harder task in keeping my hands steady on the wheel, staying in my lane, not darting over to a faster one, either driving along life’s highway or, thanks to auto-paying electronic tags, in the slowly dying art form of choosing the faster toll booth where I always get fucked.
Although some (of you even?) might posit that narcissism is the root, I think narcissism is more a quality that simply is fed further by long held psycho-somatic traumas unexplored, the practices of compassion rejected and vulnerability way too frightening.
I'll add to narcissism as also bad habits, ingrained in us by learned fear in the home, community and society: xenophobia; racism; misogyny and misandry; 'whataboutism;' and a general lack of empathy -- the last of which includes the inability to sympathize with one's own embedded wounds, formative traumas at the hands of e.g. cruel teachers, abusive coaches, failed mentors, parents who, out of their own self-perceived inadequacies they cannot even consciously face along with an unchecked aggression, humiliated and undermined their own children's ambitions, success and welfare while adding nothing of value to society on their own. I often read inspired tales about people who beat the odds, who grew up in supportive ecosystems and fought adversity through tenacity and determination, confidence and persistence. I am not one of those people by those measures. I am not a success.
I instead have taken the road less traveled, in my flailing, underachieving academic life, lack of ambition, career choices and even in the ways now I reflect upon those roads less traveled, be they inspired by Frost’s words or those of M. Scott Peck. I prefer instead these days to lay awake at 3:35 a.m., pondering every ant whose innocent life I at age five snuffed out, every butterfly I ran over or clapped into oblivion, every fly I incinerated, acting out physically on a disobedient pet, at times making them piss themselves, impatiently grabbing a sick animal from hiding from its medicine, tattling on a brother, whining to a mother or father to get my way or talking outright disrespectfully to them....every single shitty thing I did and POSSIBLY still do, say to or think about -- unwittingly or, worse, wittingly -- a sibling, friend, lover, colleague and most visciously to myself. I rarely consider the ways in which others’ violence impacted me, how inappropriate boundaries, ill-conceived and petty commentary, contempt, disrespect, mockery, sociopathic tendencies may have triggered me, that people with shrewder, honed skills as master baiters, I biting on their stinky mouthy sinker only to have my own jowl torn out.
Narcissism, cruelty and tyranny are ingrained habits in U.S.A.LL and beyond any flag, border, ocean or safety net, it’s a global disease whether it’s home, abroad or tucked away on Yiayia's (grandmother's) well-appointed home somewhere overlooking The Adriatic Sea. Not every war has bloodshed, death and yet beyond the horrors of domestic, societal and military violence, we are all both victims and perps and not always in ways that are so overt. Cruelty can be simply callous disregard for how one may receive a comment that is knowingly unkind. i.e. Lacking compassion. You toil in tradenarc™ living.
Tyranny is derived from unmitigated enabling of egregious behavior, too often even rewarded or outright avoided by those terrified to stand their ground. We can all be quite vain and narcissistic, self-absorbed and consuming of others’ compassion while not reciprocating and, further, responding in ways that are quite irresponsible and inhumane, whether the person touches us profoundly in our most unworthy place (more often) or the person dispensing kindness is no longer of value to us and our needs (also a fairly common but less obvious quality).
The question has been posed to me “What purpose does it serve you?” to remain a victim, to play the same old hits as a loopless reel in your head or out loud in surround sound, in forensic mining of abandoned dreams and hopes, in unearthing old bones to confront someone all over again or in the berating myself for the smallest of miscues time and again. The answer is rather obvious only now after all this time has passed, the feeling washing over that all is lost, it’s too late: This self-berating serves to only expend precious resources of time, energy and space in the stead of pursuing new frontiers, ideas and constructing a new narrative, a new human race. It also is an oddly masochistic way to take up the yolk of others’ unanswered high crimes and misdemeanors. It’s likely tinged with a false humility, a vanity and narcissism all its own. As with any of our traits, narcissism and cruelty are capable of being strengths and as easily pose a dangerous liability if left unchecked, unexamined, undisciplined. Tyranny has no place in my life yet it truly seems unavoidable, is a rampant part of the world around us. How to shield against it, push back or outmaneuver it is still above my own pay grade.
Narcissism can fuel self-confidence in leadership, vision and ambition. I’m sure you’ve read or heard this said as the concept of narcissism in our society and relationships has taken up a bigger slice of our common conversation, borders on trendy as I think I said and, hence, comes under greater scrutiny in this last decade. Jesus was a narc. So was Ghandi. It takes a narcissist to be able to state "Listen to me. Follow me. I stand for something bigger than the small ‘I.’ "
I'd like to believe this is an exercise in sharing and connecting with you if you find it in any way relatable and, if not, no harm done. I aspire to pursue an exercise in the beginnings for me of Stoicism, Socratic dialogue but in a passage such as this sure -- I can read how it might appear.
That's the difference. Recognizing the possibility alone is part of where I’m driving this conceit of unchecked narcissism v. compassion, empathy or, at the least, self-reflection, accountability of one’s own choices or impulses. I know now my narcissism simply is untenable and I recognized it years ago as a bad habit from sulking to lashing out to bossing people around with no other objective other than ‘feed me.’ I was told flatly “You’d be dangerous if you had real power.” That person was right. I prefer to embrace and practice empathetic skills that flow from a naturally inquisitive and intuitive self but too often were cut off from the amygdala, triggering fear and (not sure from which these stem) self-consciousness, doubt. I am only now beginning to explore the aspects of brain function, terms like ‘limbic system’ and ‘frontal lobe’ functions. It’s fascinating and humbling. I attempt to assuage the humiliation as something to study, trace back to earliest traumas and shames, use it as where the answers lie. I believe I heard Ram Dass state “That is where your answers lie. In your reaction.” So, yeah, now I aim towards wanting harmony and peace, not drumming my take into others. I no longer need the fix of 'likes' nor followers.
Did they feel nice? Um. Yeah? Did I fall prey to watching those tiny red bubbles pop up? No doubt. Did I grow agitated that ‘no one was paying me attention!!’ but I was giving them my time and interest? Yes.
That aside, I always ponder moments when I could have done more, even as a teacher, a bright spot in my self-judging checkered past wherein I practiced empathy and compassion in how I related to my students by being able to provide what I most treasured and rarely received, remember best in the mentors who did not belittle me but treated me with equanimity and tell those students from ages 8 to 23, "I understand. I truly know what you are experiencing and validate it.” Then I’d question them to help them find their own answers rather than ‘problem solve’ or brush their struggles away, saying “Don’t feel that way” or “You’ll be fine. You have money,” as if students who come from disparate backgrounds need any more or less. Instead, I’d tell them “I get it. When I was in your place, here’s what I did and what I may choose now, instead.”
No matter what confrontation I have, no matter what reaction, I always "watch the game tape" as a football player might on Monday morning. That’s my key to and definition of success. Process. Practice. How to keep building on harmonious relationships and dispensing with the ones that don’t work instead of scratching my head trying to ‘make it work.’ No time.
Left unchecked, destructive to everyone is a narc who victimizes with extreme prejudice, cruelty and zero self-awareness or discretion, any one with whom they interact or, worse, purport to love or deem a friend. Projection is for a movie theater not for human existence. But wait! There’s more!! What’s worse than a narc is someone who uses their sense of victimhood to further attention, compassion and time — precious resources we all give, too often in prodigal portions — for more victim-fuel.
Unchecked narcissists are like weeds, disguising their appearances to blend in as they (literally) choke off the fauna from flourishing, sapping nutrients in the soil and fertilizer for their own thriving.
Everybody plays the fuel. I get it. No more. Dig this! The buck stops here. #NOTME!” Yeah, I also love Aaron Neville so here you go but he does lack that main ingredient — harmony. Collaboration.
This may be a stretch, I’ll grant but cruelty could be morphed into diplomacy, mediation, telling someone something difficult to hear (or read:) and delivering it with thoughtful care.
Empathy and sympathy are qualities one may practice but not until you are in touch with your own cruelty and your own deeply embedded traumas BOTH.
Don't allow the shadow of others' failures as they hurt you permit you to repeat theirs.
Don't allow your being hard on yourself lead you to the dark side of tearing at others, those you know or those, worse, you want to troll from behind the safety of a keyboard.
Don't permit your fears and vanity and ego to project those fears and vanity onto others’ shortcomings and nitpick.
Stay in your own lane.
Like a gym workout, we’re talkin’ ‘bout practice. Uh-oh. I didn’t just say that. Did I???
I love perfecting my breathing technique whilst swimming. My brother is a fierce swimmer and I get a little jealous I can’t swim as fast, I “can’t keep up” and, at times, feel like I’m “barely treading water.” He could, for example, teach me proper back flip whence in a pool but you know what? I don’t like backflips so I don’t bother. I prefer to swim in open water and to go for the aim of letting go and avoid an attack, heart or shark. I stay in my lane, keep my only competition versus myself or, better, swim for the meditative experience of being in the moment, the bliss, which aforementioned fears will yield as will a backstroke with no wall to bump, looking up at the endless sky and sun, feeling the smallness of my existence in the ocean, the universe and yes, even stating to myself ‘this would be a great moment to die’ because I am here, now, and happy. Of course, I truly do not wish to die nor be chum.
I also still don't position my head properly and siphon energy I could otherwise use to swim more efficiently and further, faster but hey, I keep practicing as I swim.
[Side note: The Iverson interview I just linked, uninterrupted, is a perfect go-to for paying mindful attention to more than mere sound bytes that slip into clichéd memes and jokes. It’s an ode, rather, to gather context and background, discover compassion for an object of pop cultural reference and comedy, our propensity to simply mimick and mock. AI is someone who used his fierce talents, including his narcissism perhaps, not always with maximum positive vibration — I don’t know, I didn’t really follow basketball as well during his era — but he sure as heck earns my mad respect. I couldn’t be under that white hot spotlight and my emotional volatility in sports was legendary — implosion and easily psyched out, taking it all way too personally. Also, “We talkin’ ‘bout practice’ “ is a perfect emblem of our ADHD popular culture where memes today rule and sound bytes always will drown out nuanced ideas, conversation].
Alas, I digress. Where were we? Oh, yeah. In the weeds of deep ruminations on narcissism, capitalism and human needs.
I hate weeding the garden but it will only help conserve vital nutrition for the fruits and flowers.
These are habits that require practice, muscles that require development, care and maintenance.
You can't save the world or another person in any form other than taking care of you.
We all undermine our own good, sabotage our success when we choose vilifying those of whom we are jealous instead of seeking to shore up our own fragile confidences.
My good friend Christine approaches life in this manner: Accepting that everyone is truly doing the best they can and meeting you as their highest self.
I think that's a great start.
It's called 'being human' in a world, a society that prizes and exacts a price from success.
Brené Brown has some great talks of shame and vulnerability. These also are great launching points into the examined life.
The most brilliant teachers are the ones who are still students, who are sitting atop a hillside looking down at the chaos and looking at it as a 'big ol' glorious mess.'
Capitalism is good. Update: I wrote this sentence with the ideals of self-sustenance, growing one’s security and helping to stimulate that of others, the community and its businesses, economics and socio-political welfare in mind as a treatise. This, I now realize, contexually is a great sounding bite but this article in The Tribune by John-Baptiste Oduor is lending me pause to reconsider what do I want and, in turn, how may I effect change for the ‘greater good’ if not via captialism as my model, the very potential that my misanthropic midlife is being fueled by the very system I espouse as ‘good.’
Human greed is not.
Deficit mentality is destructive.
Social welfare is not an evil term.
I embrace them all as a way to at once transform my own emotional/mental perceptions and, I hope, repurpose my energy back towards a greater good towards a collective consciousness towards an inclusive living, one wherein we as a race look after each other and all the rivers, valleys, oceans, lonely islands and their majestic seas, the mountains and canyons and all the creatures who share this habitat with us.
Oh, my! I almost sound hopeful. More ikely I am naive but as far as I have read through encyclopedias of world stories, the human race has evolved on a bedrock of vision for good while at the same time slaughtering ourselves, overpopulating our race and parasitically consuming or driving to extinction all of the planet’s resources and other inhabitants. Talk about ambivalence. At once so brilliant and yet so destructive. So if I have to choose how to live I prefer one that sees the good in each of us that remains, one that seeks possibilities in solutions we yet may choose.
Otherwise, what’s the point?
We all undermine our own success by saying e.g. "What have I done ? Nothing. Look at (fill in the blank)!! THAT’S a success!!!" Maybe it’s time to say “Look what I bring to the world, the blessings I have in this life and that of which I am capable to provide. I have enough. I am enough.” Maybe less self-destructive methods that, in turn, blaze a trail towards stewardship of the totality of KPCOFGS on this Pale Blue Dot.
Sort of going out on a limb here a la Luke Skywalker to Anakin Skywalker. "I know there is good in you."
It's a template, a line anyone can and ought practice in front of a mirror. I think I'll give it a try right after I publish this.
Today's Mantra: NO SUCH THING AS BETTER DAYS!!!!!
Be here. Now.
Choice is Yours. It’s likely I missed one typo which will make me feel Slightly Stoopid no doubt, a Stick Figure in a land of confusion.
I wish you well in all your endeavors small and grand. Think I’ll go grab some fresh air and a swing then see what the day might bring or, better, what I may bring to the day.